


Miscellaneous

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Genderbending, Ridiculousness, girl harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-03 00:39:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2831822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mis·cel·la·ne·ous:<br/>1. Consisting of various kinds.<br/>2. Having a variety of characteristics or aspects.<br/>Miscellaneous implies a varied, often haphazard combination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Initialisims

"Sirius."

 "Harriet." 

 

"Sirius Orion Black." 

"Harriet Elizabeth Potter."

 

"Has it ever occurred to you, that your initials are S.O.B?" 

"Oh whatever, _hep_ atitis!"

"Really? Hepatitis, that's your trump card? Although, I suppose I shouldn't really expect more from someone whose name can be initialised to sob, among other things." 

 

"My mother could be startlingly introspective at time." 

"Oh I'm sure, you son of a banana."


	2. Pamplemousse

"Auror?"

"Too violent."

"Cursebreaker?"

"Too dirty."

"Healer?"

"Ridiculous hour's, plus I'd rather not spend half my twenties in education."

"Lazy life of idleness in which you devote your copious amount of free time to further cultivating your coffee addiction and eating custard creams?"

"This is serious Hermes, I'm going to spend the rest of my life living in poverty, cocooned in a dusty old manor, stuffing my face with biscuits and steadily growing more and more obese with every passing year-"

"I'm not entirely sure you understand what poverty is-"

" -And all of my friends will naturally have conformed to pedestrian societal expectations and began working, so the only people I'll have for company will be Kreacher and Dobby! And I don't even think they legally classify as people!"

Harriet's voice took on an alarmingly high pitch squawking quality whenever she became hysterical, that was not, Hermes mused, entirely dissimilar to the mating call of a jackass penguin.

"Look, if it's bothering you that much, I'll nag you till you get a job."

"That is, somehow, both the most uplifting and soul crushing thing I've ever  heard- and that's including the whole 'you have a power that You Know Poo doesn't, and that power is love' shindig."

"That was two years ago Harriet."

Hermes had spent a fair bit of time following that 'shindig' explaining to Harriet that Dumbledore _probably_  wasn't expecting her to hug Voldermorte to death (and yes there is a justifiable emphasis on the 'probably' afterall, with Dumbledore, one never really knows) and that in the off chance that she did have to hug the greatest dark lord of the twentieth century, she _probably_ wouldn't contract a 'freaky magical STI' or worse 'cooties' ,until Rowen Weasley stepped in with a well time slap and a 'calm down you pamplemousse.'

"That was the singular most distressing conversation of my life. At least it was until this morning, I mean, whose stupid idea was it to have a Careers Advice Day anyway, hmmm? I know, probably the same nincompoop who decided that we should plan out our entire lives at 17, because that's not going to end in a midlife crisis-"  

Harriet's hysterical monologue was cut off by an abrupt slap.

"Nina, what colour do you think I should paint my nails, Frozen Ferret or Lockheart Gold?" Rowen Weasley asked nonchalantly (Rowen Weasley was a self-important young witch of extreme ambition who, three summers ago, had determined her self to be worthy of the accolade of only every being addressed by her full name)  her pale hand pressed against Harriet's burning cheek, marble blue eyes fixed on a squirming Nina Longbottom.

"Erm, Lockheart Gold?"

"Good choice, and Hermes, do stop laughing and get Harriet some ice, you pamplemousse."


	3. Stargazing

Over there, Draco announced, raising his hand to point at a distant collection of twinkling stars , is me.

The constellation of Draco, named for the bold dragon that guarded the garden of Hesperides, and was scattered across the heavens to forever more protect the fruit of the fair lady Juno, he continued, leaning back onto the daisy covered ground, large  silver eyes fixed above.

But Harriet's eyes had drifted from the wide, naked expanse of the star stained sky, to the man beside her, tracing the fine, snowy hairs that flowed up the length of his arms like rows of miniature, immaculate soldiers.  
The sleeves of his heavy winter robes were bunched up around his pointed elbows, the ripples of dark silk casting shadows that almost concealed the mark etched onto his forearm.

 Almost.

Time, patience and eager exploration meant that there wasn't much of Draco Malfoy's body that Harriet Potter wasn't intimately acquainted with: neither convenient shadows nor the absence of artificial light could conceal the form with which she had become so entranced, she reflected, eyes drifting up his arm and over his shoulder, tracing the curve of his neck and tip toeing over the sharp angles of his jaw, skipping over smirking lips and locking onto glittering eyes.

What are you doing, he drawled, around an expulsion of smoke scented air, amused.

Stargazing, Harriet whispered in reply, bright eyes set on his, a sly smile slowly spreading over her face.


	4. How to Flirt

"Hermes," said Harriet gravely, angling her body so that she was facing Gryffindor's resident bookworm and smart arse, "I think you should know, that you're my spirit animal." She professed, gazing deeply into his eyes.  
"Harriet, I think you should know-" Hermes broke off, in order to take a deep, gasping breath, his caramel eyes glittering in the candlelight," that you are my, patronus."  
"Oh my stars, it's fate! We're meant to be, Hermes, you and I, we're-  
"I love you so much," Hermes continued fervently, cutting through her "that if you were drowning, I wouldn't let anyone else give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." Harriet's brows knitted in confusion.  
"But, then I might die..."  
"Yes, well, our love may die young, but It'll die faithful."  
"Oh Hermes! That is so incredibly sweet!" Harriet exclaimed, her eyelashes fluttering furiously. "You're such a romantic!"  
"Well, I try-  
"But you know" Harriet said, interrupting  _him_ this time, "I''ve been meaning to tell you how much I really want to live in your socks."  
"My socks?"  
"Yes, so that I can be with you every step of the way."

 

Meanwhile, in the darkest recesses of the Gryffindor common room sat Nina Longbottom and Rowen Weasley. Rowen Weasley's eyes were avidly studying the miniscule chips in her nail polish (Walburgish Black, a very stylish brand indeed) whereas Nina's attention had been captured by the fawning duo by the fireplace, which was no particular surprise- Harriet had clambered onto a small side table and was currently lyrically, and loudly, professing her love for Hermes over his bellows of admiration- for the young witch's attention span, or therefore lack of, had long been bemoaned by her relatives, friends and teachers alike.

"Rowen?" said Nina, her round brown eyes still fixed on the bellowing pair.

There was no response.

"Sorry, Rowen Weasley," Nina amended apologetically, as she should, for the brunette had certainly had enough time to acclimate to her friend's insistence upon being addressed by her full name.

"Hmmm?"

"Does it not bother you that your boyfriend probably spends more time flirting with your best friend, than he does actually paying attention to you?"

Rowen Weasley slowly lifted her gaze from her nails, trapping the other girl under the icy burn of her pale eyes. "The course of true love never did run smooth" she responded sedatedly, before summoning a box of Madam Primpernelle's Finest Nail  Polish- the matter of how Rowen Weasley was able to afford her famous and rather expensive nail painting habbit had long been debated in the Gryffindor tower, but had yet to be answered.

It has to be said, they make premier entertainment on a Sunday evening, Nina mused, watching as Harriet launched herself onto a weeping Hermes, her matchstick arms locking around him as she sobbed tales of love into his neck.

Besides, they definitely set the standards of how to flirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To my cyber wife, my patronus, my banana and my 'how to flirt' instructor.


	5. The disadvantages of dangly bits

"It is the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. So, concede."

A chilling smile spilled over Harriet's lips as she gazed at the man (liar, trickster, mischief maker, monster, alien) standing across from her.

"Au Contraire, throughout human history, there can be seen a prominent, unquenchable desire to dominate, and a general tendency to succeed in dominating. So, I really think that you ought to be the one to concede."

Without further ado, the tiny witch drew back her leg, before swinging it forward, her knee colliding against Loki's crotch, sending the frost giant tumbling to his knees in surprise, an array of colourful words tumbling out of pale chapped lips, between gasps of incredulous pain.

"Now, if you'd just listened to me when I said that I wanted to play black during the chess match, we could have avoided this entire debacle and you wouldn't be rolling around on the floor like a sow in heat."

"Listen here you idiotic mortal, I am Loki of Asgard and I -"

"-Should seriously consider writing a new speech. There's only so many times you can say 'I am burdened by glorious purpose' before you go from being sounding as though you actually are something to fear, to sounding like you rehearse it in the mirror. Now, why don't we start our game, like civilised people- hmmm?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Loki.


	6. Gold be their heart's and Gold be their Mane's: A study of Gryffindor's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are Gryffindor's better than the rest?"  
> "Because we're Gryffindor's. It's kind of a predicate."

"Why are Gryffindor's better than the rest?"  
\----  
"You were supposed to be here half an hour ago Harriet-"  
"I know and I'm sorry, but guys, I just saw a squirrel trying to drag a bottle of wine up a tree. There's a serious possibility that my patronus may have just changed."  
\-----  
"Well, you're hotter than the bottom of my laptop-  
"So I must be pretty damn hot huh?"  
"Baby you're out of this world."  
...  
"Stars. Harriet Elizabeth Potter, you are the platonic love of my life."

"Well, good. Cause I'm kind of in friend-fatuation with you, Hermes Barnaby Granger."  


"Erm, Rowen Weasley, what do you reckon a laptop is?"  
\----  
"And what in the name of Merlin is that supposed to be?"  
"Er, a dress robe?"  
"According to whom?"  
"Madame Malkin..."  
"Change, immediately Miss Thomas."  
"Come now Minnie my love, my heart, generous, lady who I cherish above all others- "What-" "Shhh, Deana, where was I? Ahh yes, Minnie my love surely you wouldn't begrudge the poor girl-"  
"I highly recommend you stop talking Miss Finnegan."  
...  
"Well I tried. Where are you go- Deana, my luvvve, my heart, come back! You know you're the only one for me"  
\----  
"Public service announcement, I Rowen Bathesheba Weasley am now retiring the use of my full name due to overwhelming- 

"Er I think Nora just fainted...."  
"Again!? Some one get the smelling salts..."

"Are you crying. Harriet?"  
"How could I not be, on this monumental occasion?"

"Seriously firsties? I know you're tiny and everything, but there really isn't enough room in here for you all to start square dancing- and where the hell did that organ come from!?"

"Well, I can't say I'm surprised! I've long been in conference with Profession Trelawney who has assured me on numerous occasions that the current planetary alignment clearly indicates Rowen B. Weasley would eventually regain her sanity and good sense- "  
"Actually, Lawrence, I'VE long been in conference with Professor Firezen who insists quite empathically that-  
"No one cares Pav."  
\----  
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Hermes, we'll come back when it's not three in the morning and your roommates don't look like they'll kill us, lalalala la la."

"Yeah, you probably ought to stop singing now Nora. By the way Deana, expert triangle playing skills, and Shae, you should probably tell the house elves to stop juggling, I'm pretty sure that's Lawrence's wand- or at least I hope it is... Is it me, or is it moving..?"  
\----  
"Do you bite your thumb at us sir?  
"I do bite my thumb sir."  
...  
"This doesn't even make any sense, they're not biting their thumbs, and why is Hermes calling Harriet sir!?"  
\----  
"You sir are a lying liar who lies!" "Detention Potter!" "But, Professor, I didn't say anything, Rosen did-" "Whatever happened to loyalty?" "I'm sorry, am I wearing yellow and black? I could've sworn my tie was red and gold."  
\----  
"You seem to think they I'm an infinitely odder person than I actually am. But the fact of the matter is, I'm what passes for relatively unremarkable in this tower."  
\----  
"So. We did it. We graduated. We have actual certificates to prove it. Now what do we do?"

"Now, you spend the entire train journey back to Kings Cross with your head in your hands wondering how you'll survive without access to the library. Rowen will mourn the loss of the ability to summon bottles of nail polish out of the dorms of unsuspecting first year's and I will prepare myself for a lifetime of destitution in my dreary manor with my half-crazed servants."  
\----  
"You're all insane. Like, completely barmy."  
"I'll let you in on a secret. All the best people are."  
\----  
"Why are Gryffindor's better than the rest?"  
"Because, we're Gryffindor's. It's kind of a predicate."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A belated happy birthday to the platonic love of my life.


End file.
